The Conker

THE CONKER

CONQUER YOUR INSOMNIA WITH THE CONKER

With just a couple of sharp raps on the skull, you'll be out like a light.

No more boring late night movies. With the Conker, you'll be so unconscious, you'll sleep right through the night and the day.

But wait...there's more. If, after three weeks of using The Conker, you aren't downright comotose, return The Conker for a full refund.

Nothing could be simpler. Just grasp The Conker in your strong hand and deliver a solid blow to your head.

The Conker can even provide you with a non-narcotic and easy means for catching a quick catnap in the middle of the day. Instead of wielding The Conker with full force, just take aim and whack yourself with a glancing blow.  

No more sleepless nights. Small enough to fit under your bed, but large enough to produce a crippling concussion. 

Tired of ineffective remedies and addictive medications? No bout of insomnia can withstand the knockout effects of a good conk on the brain with The Conker.

Don't waste your money on cheap knockoffs that are either too heavy to lift or too small to produce more than a late night trip to the Emergency Room. With The Conker, you can retire with confidence knowing that more than 200,000 customers are lying in permanent vegetative states.

And don't be confused by the exaggerated claims of other companies whose unwieldy sledge hammers require an accomplice. The Conker's patent pending technology assures deep cranial penetration with just one hand and one good swing.

Pick up your phone this minute and dial: 1-800-4-CONKER and get Conked out now!

You’ll never have to suffer wakefulness again.

THE CONKER ™

Another Innovation from KrushSkull Industries

Restless Third Leg Syndrome

Restless Third Leg Syndrome (RTLS) is a medical condition that affects men exclusively. By the age of 16 nearly 98% of males will be afflicted. Symptoms include sudden swelling of the third leg, accompanied by acute sensitivity, uncontrollable twitching, thrusting and throbbing often followed by discharge of a clear, viscous fluid.

There is no known cure. However, there are palliative treatments. Vigorous manual massage of the affected member usually provides quick, albeit temporary, relief. It is, however, recommended that patients place themselves in the hands of an experienced professional.

Side effects attributable to this therapeutic technique are common, but manageable. Depending upon such factors as tactile pressure and friction, engorgement may initially increase. But, with concentrated attention, rapid kneading will produce a creshendoing, resulting in swift emotional relief. Both swelling of the third leg and concomitant involuntary movement of the limb will gradually subside.

Clinical trials, conducted under the auspices of the prestigious Ketchup Clinic, suggest a correlation between the duration of manipulative therapy and the projective urgency of the sticky discharge.

There is a large body of anecdotal evidence suggesting that ingestion of large quantities of alcohol will prophylactically diminish both the frequency and intensity of RTLS episodes. However, risks associated with substance addiction, liver damage and tangential mortality discourage long-term use of alcohol as a medicinal measure.

As an adjunct to pharmaceutical treatment and physical therapy, many psychologists prescribe camouflaging strategies to hide the manifestations of RTLS. One expedient, for example, is to wear loose and unrevealing clothing. Another is to remain within close proximity to large objects like cars or dutch doors. At the onset of symptoms one might seek concealment behind a convenient couch or BarcaLounger. Making a habit of carrying a huge sign or box at all times is another tactic advocated by RTLS specialists.

While no cure exists for this perplexing and disagreeable condition, the potency of RTLS as a disruptive syndrome does seem to yield to advancing age. Ironically, there is some indication that with the eventual decline of eruptive symptomology comes a nostalgia for the disability itself.

Research continues.

Institutes of Medical Male Practice, LLC

(A Division of KrushSkull Industries)

R-BED-P

"I lost 140 pounds of ugly, annoying fat with the speed of a bullet!"

These are the inspiring words of Diet Guru and Best Selling Self-Help Author, Robert Blake, whose newest book: 

"How To Eat A Big Meal And Then Drop A Load Of Dead Weight"

HH

Hits the bookstores this weekend

In Mr. Blake's very first chapter, he explains why

"Atkins died fat!"

"Pritikin killed himself!"

But the Robert Blake Exercise & Diet

Program is a proven success!

This nationally celebrated regimen offers 100% evidence that you can eat Italian and still shed the reeking tonnage of a life's worth of bad choices.

Mr. Blake promises that you don't have to eat like a bird. Instead, the Star of Baretta recommends that you BUY a bird. To emphasize the point, the skeletal remains of Mr. Blake's co-star, Fred the Cockatoo, will accompany the author on his book tour.

The Robert Blake Exercise & Diet Program (R-BED-P) incorporates the very best features of numerous conditioning plans; for example, the stamina-building secrets of the Simpson Slo-Speed Cardio-Run and the strength-enhancing benefits of the Peterson Ocean Stroke.

Forget those expensive programs like "Jenny Craig" that charge you extravagant fees for a few meager morsels of food. With the patented Robert Blake Exercise & Diet Program, you will receive "three hots and a cot" at absolutely no cost! That's right, the government subsidizes every last mouthful. In addition, by special arrangement with the State of California's Department of Corrections (our on-staff DOC), you will have regular access to weight room and recreational facilities...again, at no extra charge whatsoever!

BUT WAIT...there's more. Unlike those medically unsound and "trendy" diets that leave you vulnerable to your worst impulses, R-BED-P guarantees personal supervision and monitoring for years to come. With Mr. Blake's unique system of behavioral modification, you will not only emerge from our program lean and mean, but adept with a knife and other sharp eating utensils as well. 

This is Robert Blake's guarantee to you...if you are not completely satisfied with the results of R-BED-P, he will personally take you out to dinner at his favorite restaurant. In addition, he will teach you how to acquire a life term membership at one of the state's finest and most secure facilities.

Remember Robert Blake's motto: I don't just sell you. I CELL you!

R BED P™

Another Innovation From Big House Fitness, Inc.

(A Division of KrushSkull Industries)

Speed School

Are you stuck in a dead end job because you don't have a High School Diploma?

Would a Community College Associate of Arts Degree rescue you from your dismal career prospects?

Is the lack of a Bachelors Degree blocking your path to a decent income?

Has it become obvious that your professional aspirations are undermined by the absence of a Masters Degree?

Then Do Not Stop Short And Do Not Sabotage Your Future Any Longer!

The 

UNIVERSITY of ACCELERATED SUBJECT STUDIES 

Is the Answer! 

U.A.S.S. will not waste your valuable time with long years of tedious classwork.

U.A.S.S. will not confuse you with a curriculum filled with complicated subjects you cannot even pronounce.

U.A.S.S. will not afflict you with long-winded, boring lectures.

U.A.S.S. will not embarrass you with difficult tests, quizzes or examinations.

U.A.S.S. will not interfere with your busy schedule by forcing you to attend seminars, labs or meetings.

U.A.S.S. will not subject you to the rigors and stresses associated with a grading system.

U.A.S.S. will not inflict upon you so much as a single thesis, dissertation, report or paper.

U.A.S.S. is dedicated to the proposition that anyone with $99.99 is entitled to the Ph.D., M.D., J.D. or other doctorate of their choice.

Why spend the best years of your life in some musty library surrounded by goofy characters who actually seem to enjoy reading all that gobbledegook in those big, fat books?

Why develop hemorrhoids and go crosseyed sitting for hours on end listening to some stuffy professor in a cheap suit drone on and on about some incomprehensible subject?

Take the smart route now to Wealth, Power and Prestige. Acquire the respect that comes from displaying your doctoral degree in any of 800 disciplines ranging from Experimental Physics to Neurosurgery; from Psychiatry to Astrometrics; from Macro-Economics to International Law.

If you can imagine it. We can confer it. 

Yes, for just $99.99 we can equip you with the equivalent of 25 years of education. And with our unique approach to scholarship, we can compress those 25 years into just one weekend.

In fact, if you enroll today we will include a post-doctoral fellowship at no extra charge. That is a value normally requiring up to four years of additional study.

While other academic institutions insist upon your successfully negotiating a bewildering array of scholastic obstacles, U.A.S.S. requires just one thing: $99.99!

Why burden yourself with years of skin-wrinkling and eye-straining study? 

Why saddle yourself with hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt. 

At U.A.S.S., 

            • You don't need to raid your parents' retirement fund. 

            • You don't need to scrounge around performing a series of low-paying and humiliating work-study jobs.

            • You don't need to falsify your family's economic circumstances to qualify for financial aid.

 At U.A.S.S., All you need is a valid credit card, a good check or $99.99 in cash.

U.A.S.S. is accredited by the Distinguished Board of Official Graduate Universities and Schools (B.O.G.U.S.). 

If you're ready to step out from behind that counter where you've been flipping burgers and flinching from hot grease burns; if you're prepared to Climb into a Space Shuttle, Stride into a Courtroom or March into an Operating Room and Take your Rightful Place as an Astronaut, Lawyer or Surgeon, then Now is the Time and U.A.S.S. is the Place!

CALL 1 (800) 2-BE-A-DOC

Operators Are Standing By

Enroll Now and make your mother proud.

University of Accelerated Subject Studies (UASS)

(A Division of KrushSkull Industries) 

BIG TOE

Don't waste your money on dancing lessons, stylish clothes, grooming aids or fitness programs. Forget table manners, chivalry and a winning sense of humor.

There is just one thing

and

one thing only

that women look for in a man.....

A

BIG TOE!

Ever wonder what women are saying about you in private? Well, if you were short-changed in the little piggies department, you probably don't want to know what they're saying about you.

Don't believe that politically correct nonsense. Women are looking for men who can fill their shoes.

For only $99.99 we will send you a 50 gallon tub of "Gro-Toe." Completely safe and 100% organically natural, just slather on a generous armful of "Gro-Toe" and watch that toe grow.

Cheated in the stature department? Throw away those conspicuous lifts and stride forward with confidence and the knowledge that with the toss of a shoe, you can hoist yourself up a full four inches just by exercising your BIG TOE.

Forget all that baloney about penile stretchers, implants, inflaters and attachments. All they do is create an unsightly and unnatural bulge in the silhouette of your slacks. Lets face it. Pants are designed to follow the vertical line of the legs while shoes are fashioned to accommodate the full horizontal glory of our TOES.

The attraction of the phalanges is the most natural thing in the world. Before a baby can even talk, what does that infant stick into his mouth and suck on? Obviously, the thumb is just a poor substitute for the real thing...the BIG TOE. I'll bet you've never seen a baby pop that other protuberance in his mouth. Of course not.

Penalized by a dinky pinky? Give it the boot! Join the millions of men who step out with an enormous advantage. Go on...take that first step. Put the meat where it really counts.

Afraid to wear sandals? Too embarrassed to be caught dead in a pair of shower shoes? Imagine your self-assurance when you slap the thongs of your flip-flops between two gigantic BIG TOES and thrust forward!

Our patented formula is guaranteed to produce visible results after just one application of “Gro-Toe.” Not satisfied? Return the unused portion for a full refund.

We stand behind our product...WAY behind our product...after all, we don't want you stepping on our toes.

So don't diddle around sticking you teeny toe in the water. Point your feet in the direction of success. What have you got to lose?

Step Up NOW...with a BIG TOE!

BIG TOE™ 

Another Innovation from T-Jam Enterprises. 

(A division of KrushSkull Industries)

The TERMINATOR!!!

Are you staggering Under A Crushing Debt?

 Do you want to stop losing sleep at night because of Debt anxiety!

 Do you want to walk away from all of your Debt

Without Confrontation...Without Bankruptcy?

 What if you never again had to hold your breath before answering the phone?

 What if you never again had to sneak up on your mailbox?

What if you could

Eliminate ALL of your debt TODAY!

Well You Can!

Just Call

THE TERMINATOR!

THE TERMINATOR Annihilates 

ALL Debt... Credit Card, Automobile, Mortgage...Everything!

Including Your Creditors!

Unlike other programs that promise to reduce some interest rates,

THE TERMINATOR Eradicates

completely, totally and utterly

ALL of your debt

and

ALL of your lenders 100%

YOU CAN STOP MAKING PAYMENTS IMMEDIATELY!

We guarantee that within 24 hours you will be completely DEBT FREE!

Take control of your finances. Take control of your life!

THE TERMINATOR

Does NOT make Loans 

THE TERMINATOR

Does NOT Arrange Consolidations 

THE TERMINATOR

Does NOT Negotiate

THE TERMINATOR

Does One Thing And One Thing Only

THE TERMINATOR

Terminates!

Debt, Finance Lenders & Debt Collectors!

CALL

THE TERMINATOR

 NOW!

For Just $99.99 You Can 

Keep Your Home!

Keep Your Assets!

Keep Your Credit Cards!

Once THE TERMINATOR Gets Through With Them, 

Loan Officers Will Kiss Your Ass!

Luxury Car Dealers Will Beg You To Take Your Pick of Their Cars Free!

Realtors Will Scramble To Move You Into The 90210 Area Code Free!

Just Pick Up Your Phone 

And CALL

1 (800) TERMIN8

for

THE TERMINATOR

(Once He Visits Your Lenders, They Never Come Back)

THE TERMINATOR™

Another Innovative Service From Cyborg Systems, Inc.

(A Division of KrushSkull Industries)

GET RICH QUICK!!!

In just 15 minutes a day; half the time you're wasting trying to develop rock hard abs, you can generate One Hundred Thousand to ONE MILLION Dollars in extra income every WEEK! 

That's right. No more frowning supervisor leering over you. No more harsh write ups or petty complaints requiring you to invent elaborate excuses. No more unforgiving time clock hacking your life up into ten minute breaks and half hour lunches. No more implacable quota stalking you through the days and chasing you through your nightmares. No more cruel threats to your livelihood and happiness that you have to dodge and scuttle to avoid. No more merciless rules that you have to pretend to follow. No more humiliating demands that you have to bend over and accept. THOSE DAYS ARE OVER!

Sleep all day if you want. Hit the casino whenever you feel like it. Play the ponies everyday if the spirit moves you. Write a preposterous diet book and peddle it on Oprah if the mood strikes you.  

TAKE BACK YOUR DIGNITY. Put a contract out on your former manager. Schedule that sadistic freak in Accounting for an emergency colostomy and lobotomy. From now on, YOU’RE THE BOSS!

Sick of having to get up before noon and fighting traffic just to get to work in time to be suspended for tardiness? 

Disgusted with the lousy pay and crummy benefits that your 'in-bed-with-management' union officials negotiated in your last bargaining agreement?

Tired of coming home to squalling kids and a spouse whose always bitching and moaning over how much better off they would have been if they'd married somebody with a future?

Ready to strangle the next car dealer who walks you over to the cheapest bucket of bolts on the used car lot after looking at your credit record?

Then prepare yourself for the good life. Because it is just $99.99 away. 

Yes, just because you are short and uncoordinated does not mean that you can't make the same kind of money as Shaquille O'Neal.

Just because you haven't got the business savvy that God gave a toadstool doesn't mean that you can't match the earning power of Donald Trump.

Just because you dropped out of school before graduating from kindergarten and your idea of art involves velvet representations of Elvis in his early years doesn't mean that you can't compare pay stubs with Bill Gates or Warren Buffett.

Just because you are so ugly your face looks like the north end of a southbound skunk doesn't mean that you can't equal, dollar for dollar, the wages of Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.

And just because you're dumber than a fence post and less motivated than a corpse six weeks after rigor mortis doesn't mean that you can't own five MANSIONS, tool around town in a FERRARI or a 200 foot stretched LIMO, fly off to the French Riviera in one of your three private JETS, dine on board your aircraft carrier-sized YACHT or spend your considerable free time toasting your achievements and offering marital advice to Bill Clinton and political tips to Hillary.

The SECRET to vast WEALTH and financial INDEPENDENCE is only a quick phone call away. For the measly amount of just $99.99 you can become the hero of your own SUCCESS story.

Isn't it time that you claim the life that you've always dreamed about? My copyrighted guide to MONEY and FREEDOM contains easy to understand, step-by-step instructions for transforming your pathetic and marginal excuse for existence into a powerful, dramatic and celebrated lifestyle.

Become the envy of all those infuriating people who relentlessly criticized you and predicted that you would amount to nothing and probably wind up in jail.

The answers to ALL of your questions can be found within the first ten pages of my new book:

"GET RICH QUICK!"

Just follow my simple directions and if you have not converted your pitiful savings into a modest fortune within the first eleven minutes, I will return your entire investment, with interest...GUARANTEED! (limitations apply) And you can keep all fifteen pages of my glossy manual FREE.

What have you got to lose?

Get up off your lazy ass and CALL NOW!  Our operators are standing by to take your MasterCard, Visa or Discover Card. 

Stop being your own worst enemy and step into your new LIFE OF LUXURY. 

CALL "1-800-PROSPER"     

Your new life of AFFLUENCE is just within reach of your telephone. 

CALL NOW! "1-800-PROSPER" 

and 

GET RICH QUICK!

"Get Rich Quick" copyright © 2004 Martha Stewart

An Innovative Schematic To Wealth & Happiness From UFool Publications, Inc.

(A Division of KrushSkull Industries)

SOM

Are You So Old That When You Describe Childhood Experiences You Have To Specify The Century?

Are You So Fat That Even Your Fingernails Qualify As Morbidly Obese?

Are You So Stupid That You’re Still Waiting For O.J. Simpson to Unmask The Real Murderer of Nicole and Ron?

Are Your Eyes So Shot That You Can’t Even See The Hair Growing Out Of The Top Of Your Nose?

Are you So Pathetic That A Rare Sexual Thought Prompts You To Recollect Fond Feelings For Your Right Hand Before Arthritis?                             

Do You Need Chapstick When You Read To Yourself?

Do Your Facial Features Look Like A Hillside After An Avalanche? 

Is The Quality Of Your Bowel Movement The Big Event Of The Day?

When The Meals-On-Wheels Person Says “Hi” To You, Are You Stuck For An Answer?

Does Your Best Friend Require Inflation?

Do You Take So Many Drugs That Your Weekly Pharmacy Prescriptions Are Delivered By Bekins?

Are You So Addled That When You Talk To Yourself You Lose The Thread Of The Conversation?

Is Your Idea Of An Exhausting Day Having To Hoist Yourself Up Onto The Bedpan?

Did You Nearly Starve The Last Time The Microwave Broke Down?

Do You Nod Off In The Middle Of Diarrhea?

Has Your Wardrobe Begun To Look Suspiciously Like Your Bed Sheet?

Are You So Forgetful That You Can’t Read Your Reminder Post-Its Because You Can’t Remember Where You Left Your Bifocals?

Do You Actually Find Yourself Lip-synching To The Funeral Home Commercials On TV?

If This Is You, Then You Need...

S O M

Steroids On Methamphetamines

SOM is a safe and effective Dietary Supplement.

As described by Billy Mays on his highly rated infomercials, SOM has been labeled “the health discovery of the millennium” by such renowned publications as The Rochester New Jersey Journal of Holistic and Alternative Medicine and the Buffalo Weekly Sentinel.

SOM has undergone days of rigorous testing by the esteemed 3rd and K Street Laboratory of Hutchins, New Mexico.

Following a recent relocation to a new manufacturing plant in Medellin, Columbia, Dr. Javier Diaz, the inventor of SOM, announced that minor distribution glitches involving SOM misunderstandings with U.S. Government agencies would be ironed out shortly.

In the meantime, SOM is available exclusively through a proprietary retail distribution channel of independent contractors. These contractors are conveniently located on street corners in and around large urban centers throughout America.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

 Dr. Diaz Guarantees that SOM will:

   •   Curb your appetite by nearly 100%

   •   Elevate cardiac and pulmonary activity by up to 1000%

   •   Promote uninterrupted attention levels for days at a time

   •   Boost energy by a whopping 18000%

With SOM – You can forget memory problems

                 – You can forget pain

                 – You can forget practically everything

Just Read These TESTIMONIALS From Popular Show Business Personalities:

“I was 306 lbs of desperation. After just three weeks on SOM, I was cast in a Steven Spielberg film as an inmate in a concentration camp.”   Mildred Wibble

“I could not get a job on television at the point of a gun. But only four days after starting SOM, I was hired by a cable access network as sole host, producer, director, crew and guest for their program: 24/7/365.”  Delbert Cooney

“I went from being a monk under a vow of silence at a monastery in Tibet to the Guinness World Record holder for both speed and duration of speech. Before being admitted to the Betty Ford Clinic, I had spoken non-stop for 37 days and nights. I owe everything to SOM.”  (the late) Brother Harvey Cantwell

Even the United States Attorney General acknowledges that “...the effects of SOM on the human body are indisputable...”

So What Are You Waiting For?

Go Out Now And Get You SOM!

It’s Just What The Doctor Ordered.

Remember...”We Took The ‘SOM’ Out Of Insomnia”

...Dr. Javier Diaz

SOM™

Another Innovative Product From Pusher Laboratories, Inc

(A Division of KrushSkull Industries)

Meds 4 Sale

Is he now a dud when he used to be a dude?

Does sex with him feel like he's trying to shoot pool with a rope?

Then Sporkialis may just be what the doctor ordered!

Sporkialis is the first drug to actually stimulate the female sexual appetite. Unlike the crude and 'one-trick-pony' effects of Viagra and Levitra, Sporkialis targets the real problem; the genuine cause of FEM (Female Excitement Malfunction)...her partner!

It is a scientific fact that snoring, burping and flatulating men are of little worth to a woman in producing sexual satisfaction. Beyond generating tax dependents, most males yield less romantic value than a leaky faucet in the bathroom. The average man's enthusiasm peters out after only a few minutes. But Sporkialis instantly transforms your mate into an organic machine gun with a nearly endless clip.

The active ingredient in Sporkialis delivers a mild to significant bio-electrical shock to the hippocampus of his brain. Because of the intimate relationship between emotion and memory within the brain's limbic system, your bed-buddy will have utterly no recollection of events after being dosed with Sporkialis.

Sporkialis: The Authentic Genital Tool!

(During clinical trials some side effects have been noted; these include: Audio and visual hallucinations accompanied by temporary or permanent psychotic break; sensitivity to oxygen; minor skin irritations progressing into necrotizing fasciitis (flesh-eating disease); occasional grand mal seizures developing into continuous convulsive episodes; and systemic organ shutdown. Apart from these minor inconveniences, Sporkialis has proven to be a generally safe and effective medication when taken as recommended).

 STORAGE

Store at precisely 0 degrees Centrigrade. Do not touch except with CDC-certified Hot Zone Level 4 reinforced gloves. Do NOT under any circumstances breathe the contents of the hermetically-sealed cannister. (Immediately contact the Coroner if any of these security precautions are compromised).

Sporkialis™

Another Innovation From Stepford Pharmaceuticals

(A Division of KrushSkull Industries) 

Grayson Moorhead

Grayson Moorhead

Investments

“Losing Our Clients’ Money With Dignity and Pride Since 1926”

We at Grayson Moorhead believe in one simple truth: Your money is our money. When you invest with Grayson Moorhead, you do so with the confidence of knowing that your portfolio will be managed with the same imagination and creativity that has consistently brought investors, large and small, to financial ruin and has steadily devoured entire fortunes.

Unlike other investment firms that avariciously pursue capital expansion, we at Grayson Moorhead place singular emphasis on the principle of blind luck.

While other firms seek safe tax havens, Grayson Moorhead invites intrusive and expensive audits by the IRS.

At Grayson Moorhead, we are guided by the spirit of our founder, whose memory is preserved and whose example is honored by the Richard Cory Memorial Fund.

For nearly eighty years, we at Grayson Moorhead have been taking your money and giving you the business. And, capitalizing on your sustained gullibility, we shall continue to identify worthless stocks and fraudulent bonds in which to invest your last dollars.

No two investors are alike. At Grayson Moorhead, we understand this and we apply proven methods for erasing your savings with a unique and individual approach to every investment.

Most of our competitors pledge to reward your trust with solid growth and robust earnings. Here at Grayson Moorhead, your account executive makes this solemn promise, to give you the shirt off his back once he manages to lose yours.

Any investor with half a brain can generate income growth. But at Grayson Moorhead, our clients are taught humility and desperation; lessons worth their weight in gold.

Yes, at Grayson Moorhead, we invest your money the old fashioned way; we lose it.

Grayson Moorhead Investments

A Member Of The KrushSkull Industries family of companies